


Outlet || Iwaoi

by UnicornFlowers (orphan_account)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: And Hajime has been whipped since the beginning, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, At least they were, Friends With Benefits, It has a happy ending because I can't write sad endings so sue me okay, Like so much angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oikawa is so in love, Probably mine, there will be tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:13:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26521219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/UnicornFlowers
Summary: "You were an outlet, Iwa-chan. A means to a very satisfying end."
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 5
Kudos: 134





	Outlet || Iwaoi

♡♢

The leaving was always the worst part. A cycle of convincing yourself that pleasure was detached from love and you could get away with it this time if you just kept your head down and didn't look up. A cold silence that put miles between Tooru and Hajime as the taller of the two slipped his shirt over his head and ran a calloused hand through his hair. Of course it fell perfectly. It always did. Leaving was the worst part because there was a knot there, one that tied you to whoever it was you were occasionally fucking, one that wouldn't go away because it wasn't _just sex._ So yeah, leaving was the worst part. And the only difference between this time and every other damning time was that _this time,_ it was Tooru who was walking away. 

It was always so much easier just to stay, to roll over in bed and pretend to be asleep or go to the bathroom to clean up, take a shower, and come back to an empty room and the imprint of warmth left lingering. Because even though there was always that stabbing pain in the chest, at least you weren't the one who had to force themselves out. At least you could pretend you didn't notice they left. At least you didn't have to walk home alone in the dead of night with your chest being torn in half. That was always Hajime's job. 

But now it wasn't. 

Now it was Tooru's job to take a deep breath in and immediately regret it because of fucking course Hajime's apartment smelled like cinnamon and vanilla, like him. It was his job to sling his backpack of belongings over his shoulder and put on that damn arrogant smile of his in an attempt to convince them both that this was for the better. He promised himself he'd forget all about it by the time he got to the airport and catch up on the sleep he'd missed on the plane. Then he'd wake up in Argentina and start the first day of his new life. A blank slate. At least, he told himself that. 

And it was Tooru's fault anyway because it was his ludicrous idea to be friends with benefits. He really should have known better. Even the damn movie ended with them falling in love. But he thought it would work because he thought he was stronger than he was. He was cocky and arrogant as always only, this time, it had actually, truly fucked him over. Because Tooru Oikawa could act as cold as he wanted, setting his soul to the side in favor of getting his brains fucked out by his best friend. He could ignore the way Hajime's eyes said, _ask me. Ask me to stay, you know I'll say yes._ But it didn't change the reality of the situation no matter how much he wished it would. 

"Well, I'll be seeing you, Iwa-chan," The cutesy nickname Tooru had used ever since they were little five-year-olds running through rain puddles felt sad and salty, like tears on his tongue, a bitter memory. And he could too clearly see the emotion - something along the lines of disdain - setting itself deep in Hajime's eyes at the curve of it around Tooru's voice. He could practically hear what the former ace was thinking. _Why are you so cruel? What's the point?_ If the question had been vocalized, Tooru might have told him, in a brief moment of vulnerability, _to make it easier for me._

"Not you won't," Hajime knew. He knew he wouldn't because everything had changed in the past three months. Years of being best friends as close as two people could possibly be and it was reduced to _this._ This twisted amalgamation of love and nothingness, sneaking out of apartments under the hush of the night, a bitter _I love you_ ever-present on Hajime's tongue even though he was never brave enough to say it. 

Why should he be? All he would get in response was a typical Tooru smile and the utter dismissal of his feelings, _"It's sex, Iwa-chan. Plain and simple. I didn't think I'd have to spell it out for you."_

It was so stupid, honestly. For a straight-A student, Hajime could be really dumb sometimes. Obviously it was just sex. And uselessly wanting otherwise, hoping that one-day Tooru might actually fall in love with him like a stupid girl with her middle school crush...it was just pointless. Hajime would've told anyone who asked that he was better than this, better than unrequited love, better than that stupid stereotype. But deep down he had already given all of himself to Tooru Oikawa and there was no return policy for the heart. 

"So serious, Iwa-chan. And here I thought a good fuck would make you less _mean,_ " _It only made me fall in love with you more you fucking idiot._ The words died on Hajime's tongue. Love was just too strong because _love_ was an admission that he was weak against Tooru Oikawa. Love was an admission that he'd lost and that he _needed_ Tooru. And normally, that wouldn't be something that bothered him because it was common knowledge that Tooru and Hajime were attached at the hip and had been since they were kids. But the aching truth was that Tooru obviously no longer needed Hajime. So love was a word he couldn't say out loud. "Well, I should get going. I wouldn't want to be late to the airport." That roughly translated to, 

_"I can't keep waiting here imagining you with a ring on your finger and a smile on your face. I have three hours until I have to be on that plane but I'd rather sit in an airport bathroom and cry than think about the future we could've had. If I keep standing here I'll never leave."_

"Yeah," Hajime tried - he really did - to keep the tears out of his voice, replace them with anger, but an ugly combination of the two invaded his tone instead, his voice breaking as he grunted out the one-word answer. He wanted to scream at the man standing before him so emotionlessly, storm into his bedroom and slam the door, wait for Tooru to feel guilty enough to follow him. But he knew that wouldn't work because Tooru would just turn around. It would make everything easier. And a bitter side of Hajime wanted to make it as hard as possible because... _Maybe he wouldn't go._

So he followed Tooru out onto the small porch in front of his apartment building, too many thoughts at once running through his head. He wanted to be angry at the man because god- he was following him blindly. He was following him on instinct, because Hajime was always following Tooru. No matter where that man went, Hajime was one step behind him, there to catch him if he fell, there to support him. He would follow Tooru to hell if the beautiful setter asked him to. He probably was going to in all honesty. 

So he followed him despite his brain screaming, _stop stop, start moving on. He's leaving. He's not coming back. He doesn't love you. He doesn't love you._ Because it was like playing the piano or writing. He was moving on muscle memory. And even as he stepped into the summer midnight air, the humidity surrounding them, the fireflies making their presence known intermittently, Hajime couldn't stop. Maybe he didn't want to stop. But he pushed that possibility as far away from his mind as possible because he should _want_ to stop. 

He knew he'd gone too far when his breath hitched because of the way Tooru looked, bathed in the golden glow of the streetlamps. His dewy skin was radiant, his high cheekbones highlighted. He was... _beautiful._ And the words fell off his lips before hesitation had a chance to kick in. 

"Since you're leaving anyway... What was I? To you?" He didn't want to know. He really didn't, but he couldn't live without it. Maybe it was just natural for humans to crave emotion, to crave a high or a low, either one just to feel _something._ Even if it crushed him, he needed to know because it would just always be a question mark and that was worse than a broken heart. Or maybe it wasn't. Hajime honestly didn't know. His heart had been broken for far too long for him to even remember what it felt like to be whole. 

Tooru was thankful that the car pulled up at that minute, because it gave him a reason to turn around, to hide the feeling of tears pushing at the back of his eyes. It was much easier to control you voice than it was your tears. What could he possibly say to him? _You're my everything. You're the man I love, the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. If I could give you a ring and a plane ticket right now, I would take you halfway across the world and marry you under a sunset but I_ can't. 

"...You were an outlet, Iwa-chan." _No you weren't. I love you. I love you so much._ "A means to a very satisfactory end," The lie slipped off his lips like silk. Even the tone was spot on. Over the years, years of feeling inadequate no matter how hard he worked, no matter how well he did, Tooru Oikawa had become a damn good liar. He didn't use the skill often because the setter, thankfully, didn't find many reasons to lie in his life. But he was thankful for it now. 

"Right," _I know but I don't care. I can't stop loving you. Do you see how fucked up you've got me?_ The thoughts in his head stayed that way, the one-word answer given clipped and abrupt. He felt so stupid. He felt used and humiliated but that damn phrase still stuck. _I love you._ Was this really how their story ended? After almost two decades of being best friends, their story ended with meaningless sex and a bitter goodbye on the porch of Hajime's apartment building that barely qualified as such. "So this is where we end?" 

"Yeah," The answer was decisive as Tooru opened the door of the sleek black car and tossed his bag inside. And for the quickest of seconds, his hard outer shell broke and the heartbreak glowed through, bloody red and painful. The setter stood there, staring at the leather-clad backseat of an uber, thinking about the look on Hajime's face after a perfectly executed spike, joyful and beautiful, brimming with pride, with happiness. And Tooru _wanted._ He wanted to see that face again, see him smile. 

Something pivotal broke inside him. Like the rock coming loose that caused an avalanche. He thought it would be easier. He thought the easiest part would be getting into that car because he had made it out the door, he had made it down the steps, he hadn't looked back at Hajime. He hadn't looked back to see those beautiful green eyes or that sharp jawline or those lips he wanted to crash against his own of those hands he wanted to hold, the man he wished he could drag with him halfway across the world. Like Orpheus and Eurydice, he hadn't looked back a single damn time. But he was wrong. The hardest part was trying to force himself into that sleek black car. Trying to force himself to leave behind _him._ To leave behind everything. 

Hajime Iwaizumi. Hajime Iwaizumi who'd cleaned up his scrapes when they were little and Tooru got them into what he liked to call adventures, who'd taken care of him despite Tooru crying unstoppably, drama queen that he was. Hajime Iwaizumi who hadn't let him copy his notes but had shown up at his house the midnight before they had a test to force knowledge into his brain even though Tooru could see the bags of sleep deprivation under his beautiful green eyes. Hajime Iwaizumi who had been through everything with him and never gave up on Tooru even when the setter thought the world was caving in. 

Hajime Iwaizumi who was still standing behind him, watching him leave even though he should be inside, moving on with his life. He was still standing there, and he would still be standing there when the black car eventually disappeared around the corner, even when Tooru was gone, green eyes just waiting for a fairytale ending. And Tooru would be in that damn car, tearing himself apart with the notion of stopping and running back to him-...but he wouldn't because he was a damn coward and a fucking fool. Too scared to take everything he wanted even though it was sitting right there in front of him. 

_"Is this where we end?"_

" _No._ " 

The car door slammed closed, but Tooru wasn't inside. He was taking long strides up to Hajime who didn't have a split second to process what was happening before Tooru's hands were grabbing at his forearms and the nape of his neck, pulling him closer. 

Tooru's lips crashed desperately against Hajime's and the taller of the two felt a gasp against his lips as the former ace melted against him. Hajime's hands found his waist, gripping him tight enough to leave bruises and pulling him impossibly closer until there was no space left between their bodies. Because they needed this. Hajime needed the setter's fingers curled around the nape of his neck to force an angle that made him groan into Tooru's mouth. And Tooru needed Hajime's fingers in his hair, clawing at his back. 

Sweet, Hajime was sweet like he always was and so warm against Tooru's lips it was burning hot. Tooru kissed him like he would never let him go even though it was a promise he would have to break, because right now all that mattered was the fact that Hajime was clinging to him like his life depended on it, that his tongue was in Tooru's mouth, that the setter could taste salty tears contrasting with the syrupy sweetness of his lips. Tooru kissed Hajime like he hadn't seen him in years. Bruising, loving, needy. _Don't give up on us._

"I love you, Hajime," Tooru released his lips with a gasp, the words spoken breathlessly as he buried his face in the crook of Hajime's neck. He inhaled the scent of cinnamon and vanilla and something uniquely _Hajime_ that had somehow taken on a completely different meaning. It was hopeful and sweet and nothing like hopelessness that had filled him minutes prior. Hajime just hugged him harder to the point where Tooru could feel his chest shaking with sobs, a fact that only made the setter want to hold him tighter, longer. " _So,_ much." 

"I love you too, Tooru," It felt like he could finally breathe again, like the broken heart he'd been dragging around with him was piecing itself back together. And it was _amazing,_ like cool crisp water running down your throat after an intense game or practice session. The instant relief was like nothing Hajime had ever experienced. "What was I to you really?" 

The question was whispered in a desperate, watery way against Tooru's neck, lips moving against the soft skin and taking the setter back to just hours before when his voice wasn't so gentle, _please tell me your words are real._ And the words he wanted to say came easily to his lips, words he wanted to say so long ago when they were still just in high school, when everything was so much simpler. When they were still just a setter and his ace and the tears hadn't found them yet. 

" _Everything,_ " _Everything and more. Everything I need, everything I want, everything I love in this world is you. The stars can't compare to you. Volleyball means nothing to me compared to you. I would give it call up if you asked me to but I know you won't._ Hajime would never. Tooru knew that much. "You still are." 

"Is this really where we end?" Broken sobs and gasping intakes of air fragmented his sentence and finally, _finally,_ Tooru let the tears pushing at the back of his retinas spill out from his chocolate-brown eyes. 

"Hajime, we're just beginning." 

_One day I'll buy you a ring, a beautiful one, beautiful like you. And I'll marry you under the sunset. One day we'll live in a house together, and I'll wake you up in the morning with kisses - or you'll wake me up because god knows I can't wake up before noon. One day I'll wrap my arms around you and we'll watch Godzilla together because you love that movie an unreasonable amount. And we'll do stupid domestic stuff like making breakfast together and grocery shopping and-_

"We have forever." 

☾ ⋆*·ﾟ:⋆*·ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:·ﾟ .: ⋆*·ﾟ: .⋆


End file.
